The Retirement Newsletter: I’ve not been fired (yet)

Issue Number: 213 (65) — Or have I?

Photo by Author — and I don’t mean this sort of fired

Welcome

This week in Issue 213 (65), I look at how we can still be fired even when we are retired.

Getting Fired

How can we get fired when we are retired?

When you are retired, you don’t have a job, so how can you get fired?

Well, I would argue that you can get fired.

Retirement is supposed to be a release from decades of punching clocks, navigating office politics, pretending to enjoy team-building exercises, and attending endless meetings. We did our time. We collected our gold watch, farewell card, and we walked out the door thinking, “Freedom, here I come!”, “It’s time to relax and have some fun.”

But, I would argue that just because we don’t have a job anymore doesn’t mean we can’t get fired. And it can sneak up on us like a middle manager with a clipboard saying, “Have you got a minute, I need a quick chat.”

How to get fired from retirement

Let’s look at how we can get fired in retirement. Luckily for us, this is where HR (Home Retirement) has some useful guidelines.

1. Being Too Productive: The First Warning Sign

We’ve spent 40-plus years working, and retirement is supposed to be about not working. But somewhere along the line, we go on a crazy decluttering streak and clear out 40 years of accumulated stuff from the attic and garage. We reorganise the entire kitchen, even though our partner asked us not to (“Don’t worry, you will love it when it’s done.”). We sort our books alphabetically by title, then by author, then by subject, and finally by spine colour. We build a greenhouse (which is odd, as we hate gardening). We launch a YouTube channel and join three community volunteer groups. We have become more productive than when we were on the payroll.

HR warning: “This level of activity and productivity is making the rest of the retirees look bad. Please stop or consider reapplying to the workforce.”

2. Over-Scheduling: A Classic Offence

HR warned us during the retirement induction seminar (read — we were on our own, sitting on (in my case) a log in a wood, drinking tea): keep a bit of white space (protected time) in the calendar. Instead, our planner now looks like something from the diary of a CEO managing a multimillion-pound company. Breakfast at 7, yoga at 8, canal cruising at 10, lunch at noon, volunteering at 1, a Zoom quiz at 4, and “relaxation and meditation time” scheduled at 6 — although I usually cancel the meditation as I’m too tired.

HR warning: “You’ve become un-retired. This is now just unpaid full-time work. Your retirement licence is under review.”

3. Trying to Fix Other People’s Retirement

This is also known as the “mentoring trap”. You’ve started handing out unsolicited advice to fellow retirees (as if I would ;-) ). You’ve created a colour-coded spreadsheet titled “Optimise Your Golden Years in 12 Easy Steps.” You hand it out at garden parties. People stop inviting you.

HR warning: “This is your third warning. The next stop will be a formal warning from HR unless you correct your ways.”

4. Becoming a Retirement Influencer

You start a blog (as if I would). Then, a vlog (I might have). You think about starting a podcast and even have a working title — ‘Grey Matters’ (although I think I may have stolen that title from somewhere).

Effectively, you are now working (again). You have a writing schedule for the blog (I have one for this newsletter), a filming and editing schedule for the vlog (yep, I have one for my narrowboat vlog), and you wonder when you can fit in recording the podcast. You, like me, are working, except with no income and a suspicious obsession with engagement metrics.

HR notes: “You are self-employed. This voids your retirement licence.”

5. Voluntary Domestic Redundancy

You have reorganised the house so efficiently that your partner no longer knows where the mugs are, they can’t find the book they were reading, and their treasured possessions in the attic and garage have vanished.

Your partner reports you to HR, and HR responds: “I regret to inform you that your services are no longer required in this kitchen. Please return your apron and report to the shed.”

At this point, HR has had enough, and holds an exit interview: “HR regrets to inform you that you have been fired from your retirement. Please take your laminated pie charts and your retirement spreadsheets, and consider a nice long cruise.”

So What Can You Do About It?

If you are in danger of being fired from your retirement, you have two options:

1. Double Down — Retire harder. Show that you are committed to your retirement. Start a campaign called “Bring Back Naps.” Insist on an afternoon sherry. Buy new slippers and invest in a new cardigan. Burn your day planner and go on a cruise.

2. Reapply — Reinterview for retirement. Sit yourself down, pour a coffee, and ask the big questions:

• “What are my goals in retirement?”

• “Where do I see myself in five years?

• “Why did I leave my last job?”

Being serious…

OK, so this has all been a bit “tongue in cheek”, but there is some truth in what I am saying. We must be cautious in our retirements to avoid becoming over-skilled, unpaid workers. We have to remember that we are no longer working and are, in fact, retired. Plus, if we overdo things in retirement, there is the risk of burnout, and we end up doing nothing.

However, retirement is a state of mind. It should not be about doing nothing — it’s about, as I have said in numerous newsletters, being you. Finding your true self. And, if that “you” happens to look suspiciously like a project manager with a podcast and a well-maintained allotment, then so be it. Just make sure you don’t accidentally schedule your entire life. Or do, if that is your thing. That’s the beauty of it — you can’t get it wrong (though your partner may still terminate your employment as the dishwasher).

But…. There is a way you can get fired from retirement, and it’s serious. And that is by running out of money. If there is “too much life left at the end of the money,” then we may need to reconsider retirement and take on a job. And that would indeed be a sad and dark day.

Next week

Next week in issue 214 (65), I continue on the theme of what we do in retirement and ask if retirement is a sprint or a marathon.

Thanks

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Until next time,

Nick

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